If you tell me I will fail, I will

Last night I told my mom about that I had started a food blog and that I thought this might be what will help me gain better eating habits. I told her a little bit about my eating philosophy and about reading other food and health blogs and how that is helping me understand what healthy eating is. I rarely confess these types of things to anyone and I regretted telling her the second the words were coming out of my mouth. I especially regretted saying anything when my mom started commenting, she seemed kind of negative to my new “healthy” life and she finally concluded by saying that this diet isn’t something I’m going to be able to stick to because it’s too expensive. Her opinion was completely based on her assumption that I only buy and eat organic produce, which is absolutely not true. I treat myself to certain organic products that I know will last me a long time and that I feel are worth the money.

I haven’t been optimistic about anything in a long time, with this blog I have felt like I am finally on a new page in my life. Granted, it’s only been a week but I still felt like I had discovered something that might just work for me. Seeing the negative attitude my mother had towards this upset me tremendously. She is more than aware of the struggles I have faced the past couple of years with my eating and how hard I have fought to find some kind of solution to my problems. When I finally do seem to find something that might be a solution, she knocks it and basically tells me I’m going to fail (this is not the first time this has happened, for some reason she has a negative comment or opinion about most of the things I find that make me happy). I felt horrible after our conversation last night and woke up this morning full of negative thoughts.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said and the negative thoughts in my mind kept telling me I was bound to fail anyway so I might as well just stop kidding myself. This eventually led up to what made today a very bad day. I caved and gave binged in an effort to muzzle the negative thoughts. In a sense, binging is my way of punishing myself.

Here is my confession: Today I binged on so much candy that my stomach literally feels like it is about to explode. I tried to eat consciously, I tried to stop when I started feeling full and then when I felt nauseous, I tried to not finish everything, I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to eat it all. But I failed and now I am overwhelmed with anxiety, pain and embarrassment.

Despite my binge, I am going to post what I ate today. I’m too embarrassed to confess exactly how much candy I ate though.

9:55am Breakfast. I started out good, I got up and had my usual filling breakfast. A bowl of fruit: 1 apple, 1 kiwi, ½ cup strawberries and raspberries plus 2 whole wheat quinoa rice crackers with hummus and arugula and a cup of green tea.

Then I went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff I needed. I wasn’t hungry but as mentioned above, my negative thoughts kept bugging me until I gave up and bought candy.

1pm Candy. This is a fraction of the candy I ate.

1:45pm Lunch. After eating so much sugary sweet candy I needed something salty so I proceeded to make lunch. I tried to make some kind of flatbread by mixing whole wheat flour, oats and water. I topped it with hummus, arugula and sundried tomatoes.

I also had another small piece with a smidge of butter and herb salt. And a cup of green tea (not pictured)

I feel nauseous every time I eat candy and it baffles me that I cannot learn from that. I notice the effects this bad sugar has on my body instantly. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, agitated and tired yet I keep doing this to my body. I know I feel so much better when I eat “normal” and healthy and exercise. I feel great then. Why do I punish myself like this?

It’s only about 4pm so it’s not dinner time yet, I am so full I do not think I can stomach dinner anyway but I’m bound to eat something this evening. Maybe I’ll post that later. I’ll probably just have a little snack of an apple or some carrots or something.

On a slightly happier note, I signed up for another Bikram Yoga class tomorrow morning at 9:30am and I think I might sign up to go on Wednesday and Thursday morning too. I definitely need it tomorrow morning to sweat out and rid my body of some of all the toxins I have eaten today. And just to clear my mind of negative thoughts.


13 thoughts on “If you tell me I will fail, I will

  1. Hi there,
    I’m so sorry you don’t have your mom’s support with the blog right now. Some of my family thinks it’s totally crazy, too. As hard as it is, you have to do what works for you. As long as you feel good about what you are eating and your blogging, keep doing it! Personally, blogging pretty much changed my life. Hopefully your mom will come around with time but until then there is so much support out here for you :)
    Good luck!

  2. It took a lot of courage to write what you just wrote about your binge.

    I know exactly how you feel. It’s a type of self punishment, trying to suppress those negative,angry, emotional feelings with food. I get it.

    Have you tried talking to your mom about how it makes you feel when she says those hurtful things?
    Sometime others don’t understand that what they say can be very hurtful, negative and detrimental to your physical and mental health. Tell you mom how you feel and how you wished she’d react in order to set your self up for success.

    Hope that helped a little :)

    If you ever need to talk, I’m here.


    ps- I’m glad you found Bikram yoga! I’m thinking about taking a class on Wednesday! I’ll let you know how it goes :)

    • Thank you for your continuous support Sarah! I did try talking to my mom about it. I pointed it out right away and she admitted that it was a negative comment, but nonetheless this is something she continues to do as soon as I find something I am excited or ambitious about. I don’t know why. I actually sent her an email explaining how I feel about her comments, I can express myself better in writing than I can in talking. Thank you again Sarah, it means a lot to know that someone “gets me”. Definitely do tell how your Bikram yoga class goes!! I’m happy you found a class in your area!

  3. I am sorry about your mom not being supportive, that is something that really hurts. To be honest, I did the same exact thing with candy when I lived in Sweden, and I just felt horrible afterward, bloated, nauseous and just unhappy with myself in general, it is so hard to get out of those kind of cycles but it is possible, try not to let your emotions affect the way you eat. Of course, that is a difficult thing to do but I think that is the best way to get out of candy binging cycles. Also, I found that if I didn’t let myself have any candy at all then I would go crazy after a few weeks and end up eating way too much candy. I hope this helps girl! Cheer up and try to have a nice evening! Puss & Kram

  4. I’m sorry about the phone call and lack of support! Sometimes people say things before thinking, and they say it without full knowledge.

    I think what you’re doing is great, and if it helps you, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I know that is hard to remember when someone says something like that, though – especially family.

    Hang in there! We’ve all had those days.

  5. thanks for the post :) this must have been a hard post to write. I know its hard when people don’t give you 110% of their support when you feel like they should. It’s up to you to do whats best for you and if this is the lifestyle you want, you CAN do it and you WILL be happy. Forget about your candy binge today is a new day. and you have bikram yoga which is the BEST EVER ! enjoy it and be happy :)

  6. hey, i just found your blog. sorry to hear about your bad day! a lot of people react the same way as you do and i can say i have done so as well! try to put it in the past and try not to let it get you down!

  7. thanks for checking out my blog! im sorry to hear that you arent getting the support you deserve for your blog. i thought people would think i was crazy for doing one but so far i’ve only got tons of positive reinforcement, so i can only imagine how frustrating you must feel. it’s already a little hard to take photos and blog about everything you eat, at least at first, that not having support makes that even tougher. just try to remember that you ARE doing something positive for yourself, and that besides the benefits that come food-wise, you are also becoming involved in a great community of happy, supportive people, which is just as great of a benefit i think!!

  8. im sorry your mom wasn’t that supportive of your new healthy lifestyle :\
    maybe she will come around.

    gorgeous photographs girl!

  9. People who don’t know this blogging world find it weird – it’s too bad your mom was so negative. It’s hard when someone so close to you is so negative and it makes it hard to try and keep thinking logically about what to do with the emotions. Your pics are gorgeous by the way!

    Keep the good work up – eventually you’ll start getting used to all the healthy stuff and find your binges get smaller! Give yourself time and forgiveness…

  10. I really get it. I wish we could chat, I have the similar issue with people in my life. It is so funny that I feel I can relate to you and your halfway across the world! I am trying to get into this whole food blog stuff, but I binded and I didn’t want to post about it. Seeing that you did, makes me feel much better! I will def be following your blog!!

  11. Hi, I’m a new reader and really love your blog. (especially your food photos – they’re awesome!)

    I’m so incredibly sorry to hear that your mom reacted the way she did. Sometimes people’s motives aren’t 100% clear and she may not have meant to come accross the way she did?

    In any case, I’m sorry that you had to deal with someone being unsupportive.

    Hang in there ;)

    Know that you have a huge support group here on your blog — I can see that you touched the lives of many people and you have many who care about you!

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