Last night I told my mom about that I had started a food blog and that I thought this might be what will help me gain better eating habits. I told her a little bit about my eating philosophy and about reading other food and health blogs and how that is helping me understand what healthy eating is. I rarely confess these types of things to anyone and I regretted telling her the second the words were coming out of my mouth. I especially regretted saying anything when my mom started commenting, she seemed kind of negative to my new “healthy” life and she finally concluded by saying that this diet isn’t something I’m going to be able to stick to because it’s too expensive. Her opinion was completely based on her assumption that I only buy and eat organic produce, which is absolutely not true. I treat myself to certain organic products that I know will last me a long time and that I feel are worth the money.
I haven’t been optimistic about anything in a long time, with this blog I have felt like I am finally on a new page in my life. Granted, it’s only been a week but I still felt like I had discovered something that might just work for me. Seeing the negative attitude my mother had towards this upset me tremendously. She is more than aware of the struggles I have faced the past couple of years with my eating and how hard I have fought to find some kind of solution to my problems. When I finally do seem to find something that might be a solution, she knocks it and basically tells me I’m going to fail (this is not the first time this has happened, for some reason she has a negative comment or opinion about most of the things I find that make me happy). I felt horrible after our conversation last night and woke up this morning full of negative thoughts.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said and the negative thoughts in my mind kept telling me I was bound to fail anyway so I might as well just stop kidding myself. This eventually led up to what made today a very bad day. I caved and gave binged in an effort to muzzle the negative thoughts. In a sense, binging is my way of punishing myself.
Here is my confession: Today I binged on so much candy that my stomach literally feels like it is about to explode. I tried to eat consciously, I tried to stop when I started feeling full and then when I felt nauseous, I tried to not finish everything, I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to eat it all. But I failed and now I am overwhelmed with anxiety, pain and embarrassment.
Despite my binge, I am going to post what I ate today. I’m too embarrassed to confess exactly how much candy I ate though.
9:55am Breakfast. I started out good, I got up and had my usual filling breakfast. A bowl of fruit: 1 apple, 1 kiwi, ½ cup strawberries and raspberries plus 2 whole wheat quinoa rice crackers with hummus and arugula and a cup of green tea.
Then I went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff I needed. I wasn’t hungry but as mentioned above, my negative thoughts kept bugging me until I gave up and bought candy.
1pm Candy. This is a fraction of the candy I ate.
1:45pm Lunch. After eating so much sugary sweet candy I needed something salty so I proceeded to make lunch. I tried to make some kind of flatbread by mixing whole wheat flour, oats and water. I topped it with hummus, arugula and sundried tomatoes.
I also had another small piece with a smidge of butter and herb salt. And a cup of green tea (not pictured)
I feel nauseous every time I eat candy and it baffles me that I cannot learn from that. I notice the effects this bad sugar has on my body instantly. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, agitated and tired yet I keep doing this to my body. I know I feel so much better when I eat “normal” and healthy and exercise. I feel great then. Why do I punish myself like this?
It’s only about 4pm so it’s not dinner time yet, I am so full I do not think I can stomach dinner anyway but I’m bound to eat something this evening. Maybe I’ll post that later. I’ll probably just have a little snack of an apple or some carrots or something.
On a slightly happier note, I signed up for another Bikram Yoga class tomorrow morning at 9:30am and I think I might sign up to go on Wednesday and Thursday morning too. I definitely need it tomorrow morning to sweat out and rid my body of some of all the toxins I have eaten today. And just to clear my mind of negative thoughts.