Size zero

I’m watching a documentary on TV about the desire to be a size zero. The documentary follows three young women and I can relate so much to each of them in different ways. One of the girls has a boyfriend who is obsessed with skinny girls and says he loves being able to feel his girlfriends hip-bones and loves being able to wrap his arm all the way around her waist. Another girl started dieting when she saw photos of her from the day she got engaged to her fiance and is now obsessed with what she eats and how much she weighs. She reads gossip magazines and compares herself to skinny celebrities.

My trouble with eating started after I was pumped with comments about that I needed to loose weight, looked fat, had fat upper arms, should go to the gym and eat salad instead of anything considered a “heavier” meal. These comments were coming from my boyfriend. The day after we had a birthday party for him I was going through the photos taken and saw a photo of myself from the side. I thought I looked horrible, suddenly it dawned on me that I had those fat arms he was talking about, I had a double chin and I looked grotesque, I thought. I lost a lot of weight, weight I really did not need to loose as I was already a healthy and normal weight. This past year I gained all the weight back and am at that “normal” weight again but I know that the dieting has hurt my body in certain ways. I have very little muscle mass compared to fat mass, I still have problems with restricting and binging which has caused this bad muscle to fat ratio. And although I look “normal” the negative thoughts are still something I struggle with every single day. I am eating more now than I was a little over a year ago, but my eating habits are still so messed up that I’m struggling to keep my weight where it should be. My metabolism is scarred and I gain weight very easily. I’m working to eat at least 1 200 calories a day to get my metabolism back to normal and to avoid binges, but avoiding binges is the hardest part. I know that this is something that is going to take a lot longer to solve and once I do manage to stay on a reasonable daily calorie intake it will take a while for my body to get used to it and “level out”.

Sorry to write about such a sad topic but it’s a big part of my life and because I was watching this documentary I felt it was something I wanted to talk about today. Let’s talk about some prettier things now.

10:05am Breakfast. Bowl of 1 apple, 2 strawberries and 2 tbs apple sauce with two whole grain rice crackers with Tofutti vegan cream cheese.

1:20pm Lunch. I had two slices of carrot raisin bread with peanut butter and banana slices along with plain soy yoghurt with strawberries and banana. Yum!

5:10pm Dinner. I made a small salad (lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, sundried tomato) and topped it with plain soy yoghurt+strong mustard+water to make a dressing. On the side I had a flatbread wrap that i filled with Tofutti vegan cream cheese, alfalfa sprouts, baby spinach, arugula and smoked tofu. I fried it for a few minutes to warm it.

8:40pm Dessert. I had to try out my new cute bowl! I had this portion of rice cream (vegan rice milk ice cream) times two… It’s strawberry and chocolate rice cream. I also had one of my organic cherry toffees, not pictured.

Total calories today: 1 161 kcal

Exercise today:
1 hour powerwalking
110 crunches
85 dumbell lifts (various lifts – triceps, punches etc.)

I am trying to do more strength exercises because I want to increase my muscle mass and decrease my fat mass.

Question of the day: What is your favorite strength exercise?


5 thoughts on “Size zero

  1. Thanks for sharing your views on the subject, I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I have to deal with these kind of thoughts sometimes too.. but trust me, as time goes on.. the thoughts become less and less.

    The carrot raisin bread with peanut butter always looks so delicious!

    P.S. I may be coming to Uppsala for 5 days when I take my trip to Germany :)

  2. Many of us can relate to your post and thank you for having the courage to share! Unfortunately so many of us can be pushed into thinking that it’s other peoples thoughts that matter most, but in the long-run it’s taking care of OUR bodies that will matter. Just be strong and think of food as a friend that nourishes the body and small amounts of the labeled “bad” foods can be good in moderation. Take care!

  3. I really appreciate you writing this post. Many women have this problem and I really wish that we didn’t put so much pressure on ourselves to be thin. I definitely agree with the above post in that it’s important to be healthy and fit without agonizing over whether we get to that “ideal” weight. Thanks for sharing.

    Your food looks very pretty, I love the blue placemats :)

  4. Hi princess Tina :) I appreciate your honesty and am so glad you shared. Disordered eating has impacted so many of us and I know your readers can relate. It’s hard to get back on track once these habits and thoughts infiltrate our lives!
    You’re doing great :)

  5. hey i am just doing a lil catch up and i wanted to comment and just say thanks for such an honest and open post…i think i am very lucky to have had boyfriends who’ve loved my body and never noticed any weight changes and not once made any negative comments. still, i find myself constantly comparing myself to others who are much thinner than me. honestly, i think i would have to stop eating to be stick thin…but it can be hard to find a balance between loving food and loving your body. it sounds like you’ve learned a lot and come a long way though, you should be proud :)

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