I’m watching a documentary on TV about the desire to be a size zero. The documentary follows three young women and I can relate so much to each of them in different ways. One of the girls has a boyfriend who is obsessed with skinny girls and says he loves being able to feel his girlfriends hip-bones and loves being able to wrap his arm all the way around her waist. Another girl started dieting when she saw photos of her from the day she got engaged to her fiance and is now obsessed with what she eats and how much she weighs. She reads gossip magazines and compares herself to skinny celebrities.
My trouble with eating started after I was pumped with comments about that I needed to loose weight, looked fat, had fat upper arms, should go to the gym and eat salad instead of anything considered a “heavier” meal. These comments were coming from my boyfriend. The day after we had a birthday party for him I was going through the photos taken and saw a photo of myself from the side. I thought I looked horrible, suddenly it dawned on me that I had those fat arms he was talking about, I had a double chin and I looked grotesque, I thought. I lost a lot of weight, weight I really did not need to loose as I was already a healthy and normal weight. This past year I gained all the weight back and am at that “normal” weight again but I know that the dieting has hurt my body in certain ways. I have very little muscle mass compared to fat mass, I still have problems with restricting and binging which has caused this bad muscle to fat ratio. And although I look “normal” the negative thoughts are still something I struggle with every single day. I am eating more now than I was a little over a year ago, but my eating habits are still so messed up that I’m struggling to keep my weight where it should be. My metabolism is scarred and I gain weight very easily. I’m working to eat at least 1 200 calories a day to get my metabolism back to normal and to avoid binges, but avoiding binges is the hardest part. I know that this is something that is going to take a lot longer to solve and once I do manage to stay on a reasonable daily calorie intake it will take a while for my body to get used to it and “level out”.
Sorry to write about such a sad topic but it’s a big part of my life and because I was watching this documentary I felt it was something I wanted to talk about today. Let’s talk about some prettier things now.
10:05am Breakfast. Bowl of 1 apple, 2 strawberries and 2 tbs apple sauce with two whole grain rice crackers with Tofutti vegan cream cheese.
1:20pm Lunch. I had two slices of carrot raisin bread with peanut butter and banana slices along with plain soy yoghurt with strawberries and banana. Yum!
5:10pm Dinner. I made a small salad (lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, sundried tomato) and topped it with plain soy yoghurt+strong mustard+water to make a dressing. On the side I had a flatbread wrap that i filled with Tofutti vegan cream cheese, alfalfa sprouts, baby spinach, arugula and smoked tofu. I fried it for a few minutes to warm it.
8:40pm Dessert. I had to try out my new cute bowl! I had this portion of rice cream (vegan rice milk ice cream) times two… It’s strawberry and chocolate rice cream. I also had one of my organic cherry toffees, not pictured.
Total calories today: 1 161 kcal
1 hour powerwalking
85 dumbell lifts (various lifts – triceps, punches etc.)
I am trying to do more strength exercises because I want to increase my muscle mass and decrease my fat mass.
Question of the day: What is your favorite strength exercise?